2.1. Responsible Parenthood
As soon as the excitement of the marriage days are over, the couples are awaiting for another excited and joyous occasion in life and through which they become parents. God’s most precious and valuable gift to a married couple is that God brings the children into the home as a means of God’s blessing. The Bible clearly stated that, children are a heritage from God (Psalms 127:3); and they are to be brought up in the instruction of the Lord (Deut 6; Eph 6; Prov 22:6). God could bring children into the World in an entirely different fashion. He could have caused them to be fully grown and develop into a mature state within few weeks like animal. But usually it takes time for a child to be mature and manageable. This is God – intended because parents have a great responsibility to the progressive promotion of the children’s personality.
The word responsibility implies that it is a Christian doctrine, as Farley named it. This phrase responsible parenthood approximates most closely to the Christian concept of parenthood. It includes all that is good in family planning in Planned Parenthood. It s concept is well defined by John W. Saliq when he said that, “it may be defined as the responsibility of the spouse, of parents to their children, of parents to other families and to society and above all, the responsibility of parents to God.”
The E.A.C.C. Consultation held at Bangkok on Responsible Parenthood confirmed that, “We are concerned for the welfare of families, better provided for, better nurture, better diesoline, and train for our increasingly complex society.” Our primary concern is about the quality of family life rather than quantity.
According to a scholar, Gleun Clark, “Every child comes into the world with sealed order. Therefore, parents are the ones who unseal orders and discover what it is that God means him to be and to do.” The Bible also says, “Train up the child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
The responsibility of parents toward their children seems to be overwhelming, over burden, but through the process of helping nurturing, training and disciplining parents are bringing them up in the society where they could live with the status and dignity. Marcheta Thein said that,
Parenting children is indeed a God-given task for parents to prove themselves responsible to the beautiful world that God has given mankind. Many parents are not aware of the brevity of the period of parenting children. Before the parents realize it, the children outgrow the stage when they form their ideas about the world, people and life at large. So very often just when parents sense the problems parenthood and willing to do something, they found out that it is too late.”
So, early childhood is the proper time to achieve self-esteem. When the cement of my personality is still soft and impressionable if I do not achieve it at the time, if instead of self love – self hatred is imprinted on the cement of my psyche, then once that cement hardens it is extremely difficult to change what has been written.
There is one fine Christian couple gave a testimony of how they began parenting their children at the moment they were united in love and in the act of sexual intercourse. She put her hand into his and they prayed that should their oneness bring a life into their home, that God would bless them and give them, the parents, the wisdom to bring him up. So we can see that parenting begins from the mother womb. Parents must also start prayer for the child while s/he was in her mother’s womb.
Children are the vivid and visible manifestation of the plans and purpose of marriage. So parents should provide the adequate physical needs such as food, shelter, clothing, education and impact them a sense of security or a feeling of trust. This security allows them the freedom for growth and develops without excessive negative feeling of anxiety, worry, and fear. They must also give emotional and spiritual needs so that, they can grow properly both physically and spiritually.
The greatest influence in the lives of children must be their parents. For example, in the Old Testament, Moses even after spending almost 40 years, in a castle which takes away all the attention to the living and true God, he is ready to serve the Lord.
God of Israel primarily due to the influence of his parents on his during his early childhood. The Lord Jesus was another example in the New Testament. It is read that “Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and in favour with God and man (Lk 2:52). It was not because He was God but of His pious and devoted parents Joseph and Mary. The same pattern was also seen in the life of Timothy too.
But today many parents encounter problems with regard to child rearing mainly due to lack of practical guidance and direction in disciplining the children according to the Word of God. Probably all the aspects of child – rearing are not being explained in the Bible. But the basic principle are laid down in the Scripture is a big boost in children’s training. Paul in Ephesians and Colossians letters instruct fathers regarding child discipline. The comprehensive summary of parents’ duty toward children is found in a single sentence. “Do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4).
2.1.1. Do not provoke the children
This is one of the most important and popular statement in connection with the parental relationship to the children. In Greek it is imperative tense (pararnizete), which means a command, a command in order to be obeyed. Even though the command is directly addressed to the fathers, it is indirectly to the mothers as well.
Adams says on this: When Paul speaks to the fathers he is speaking to the mothers. The reason that he addresses the fathers is that what the mother do, the father, he is addressing the one in whom god has vested his authority for discipline. The father is the heard of the home. The father is the one who ultimately must answer to God for what happens in the home.
Provoking does not mean that parents should not do anything that would upset or annoy the children. It does not mean that parents withhold from them something that they desperately needed. It rather means that parents should not treat them in a way that their passions are unnecessarily aroused.
The Amplified Bible translation gives the meaning of the word ‘provoking’ more clearly. “Father, do not irritate and provoke your children to angry, do not exasperate them to resentment.” The cross passage in Col. 3:21 is much more clearer. The New American Standard Bible translates the same word as “Father do not exasperate your children that they may not lose heart.” In short what it means, do not raise the children in such a way that they become utterly frustrated, bitter, hostile, disappointed, distressed, fearful, frightened, rebellious, and resentment. It is clearly means that parents should not handle them in such a way that they will be promoted to live a wrathful kind of living and become angry young men and women who always keeps a grudge against their parents. Many parents are not aware of the various ways through which they provoke their children.
2.1.2. Do not abuse physically
Since the Christian family is divinely instituted and parents are commanded to train their children in love, good life, so there is no place for a brutal attack or physical torturing in a Christian family. But some parents always scold, punish and treat their children worse than animals. Due to all these problems children will grow in bad and worse in their life.
Juvenile studies reveal that the high rate of hostility that emanates from the teenagers is a result of parents lack of love for the children. Certain parents are more cruel and carnal who deny the food to the children and put them in an enclosed room for their wrong doings. They thought that they are disciplining their children, and hope that the children will stop of his/her wrong doing. This kind of illegal and injurious treatment on the children from the parents is inhuman and sinful. Paul’s warning, not to provoke the children, have a direct connotation to the physical assault.
Since this is the time the children develops a negative attitude toward life as a whole and it will further create lasting effect and soon they become rebellious characters. When this kind of inhuman and unchristian discipline happens continuously without love, children will create a vengeful atmosphere at home. Vinoji, Samuel comments that, “the physical torture in no way helps the child, rather destroy his/her growth as a healthy citizen in the society.”
2.1.3. Do not abuse psychologically.
Some parents know physical abuse will damage on child’s future life. But they use stingy words, criticism and hurt their children. Parents destroyed psychologically their children, when they humiliates and put them down and undermines their talents and taste. This kind of psychological set back is often more complex and problematic than the physical punishment. The struggle of a strike may last long as it pains, but a mental humiliation always a picture of it in the child’s innocent mind. In may cases, this kind of psychological abuse leads to more bitterness,, discouragement and depression in children. It has got far more lethal and long range effect in its negative effects.
Parents must praise and encourage their children; so that they can develop their potential and ability in a proper way. But today, the Zou parents often give negative comments such as fool, hopeless, bad boy/girl and so on. Such kinds of hurt words would destroy children growth and they can become meaningless in their life. So psychological abuse will create more harm in children life.
2.1.4. Do not neglect the children
The Bible clearly say that children are heritage from God (Ps. 127:3); and they are to be brought up in the instruction of the Lord (Deut 5; Eph 6:4; Prov 22:6). Jesus warns not to take children lightly (Matt 18:6). Our responsibility as parents is a serious matter. As Christian parents our greatest task is not collect wealth, build mansions or even give them the best education; but to teach them to love the Lord and walk in his ways.
But today most of the parents make a mistake and consider children as secondary citizens and less importance. Children were being neglected many ways in family, church and society. Children are less considered by their parents and spent less time with them. Especially employed parents have less time to care for their children. Parents who are church workers/pastors have become hostile and horrible toward their parents because they have been neglected and treated not other children. Because of these problems today we see that church leaders’ children are not better than lay people.
Thus, it is good if preachers practice what s/he preached. One pastor sadly says that, “I can become good pastor for my people, but I cannot become good pastor in my family.” This is true to every one. Due to such problem our family member especially children could not belief and trust in their parents.
Some parents want their children to attend church and learn like the experience. Yet they will carelessly make unfavorable remarks within the children’s hearing, about the pastor, or the choir, or the deacons or even the programs. They must provide an atmosphere that will be conducive to the growth and development they desire for their children.
Parents must also be a good listeners to the children. They may want to share silly and simple things; so parents must listen properly, so that they can have good communication. It is sad to say that many parents of the Zou people do not give an opportunity for their children to pour out what they have in their hearts; their joy; their grief; their plans for future. Such kind of act does not fit in with the Christian concept of fellowship and loving concern. Moreover, it is common that the children who do not have proper care or attention will simply roam here and there to search security and love. So the home environment should be appropriate for child development both for spiritual and emotional. Parents should show their love to their children by action as well as word or verbal and non-verbal so that they will know parents’ great deep love for them. Without parental love, the child develops a sense of not being accepted, appreciated, loved or lacks a sense of personal worth. Children who do not receive enough parental love or attention in their childhood often suffer mental illness and personality maladjustment in adulthood. So parents need to find more time to spend with their children and let them feel that they are loved and cored. Such kind of good attitude will help the total development of the child.
2.1.5. Do not expect beyond the border
As a beloved parents everybody want their children to be god and excellent in every corner of their life. Since we are living in a scientific age or computer world, everybody wants their children to be good in study. But we must know the four aspects of human being such as: physical, social, mental and spiritual. These are interdependent, and all four aspects need careful nurture for a well-balanced life. We must also know that everybody has not equal and similar talents or ability.
Parents must know their children’s talent and ability for his/her future. So every children must be directed according to hi/her talent and ambition. Vinoji Samuel had met a fifteen years old boy who fled away from home.
Put in his own words: My mother in my childhood had a habit of waking me up even in the midnight and asking me to study. She used to say often, ‘I have one son and daughter. She wants both of us to become doctors. But I know that I cannot become a doctor. When I get less marks in school, she often scold and curse me. I actually hate my mom.
From this very statement we can know that simply high ambition without proper guidance is useless. We must allow our children to select their own way by instructing its advantages and disadvantages. It is unwise to expect the same from every child and meet the age needs that were unmet when they were children. Psychologists deal it the ‘super kid movement’ with parents, desperately trying to push their children towards achieving excellence. What thy do not understand is the fact that no good can come of trying to build too much, too soon.
Some of the common mistake of the Zou parents was that they compare their children and others who are brilliant in study. They also expect their children would be so officer; if not s/he must be farmer or sepoy. They don’t train for carpentry, masonry, cobbler, etc. since all children are not success in their study they don’t have alternative or some what easy job. So they just start cultivating after ten or more than ten years of studies. I personally advised some parents to know his/her child talents. So parents must know all development and growth of their children and guide spiritually and physically.
2.2. The Child and Environment
The home environment has a part in building the life of child. His/her parents, brothers and sisters, grand parents or other relatives are part of his/her environment, their behavior, their words, their needs, their interaction with one another all make up the atmosphere in which the child is growing. And which has an influence on his/her growth: mental, emotional and spiritual. Parenting means helping to create an atmosphere that will be healthy one in which the child may grow. So Dorothy Law Notte pointed out children learn what they live as follows;
So what Dorothy Law Notte says are true and correct in regards to child learning process. So every parents must find out their mistakes throughout these statement; and correct himself/herself from their fault.
Children also learn by imitation/observation from their parents. “Expect your child be as you are children do not primarily learn by being told, but by observation” (Walter A. Herrichsen).
More than words, our behavior and others non-verbal messages will influence our children. The writer personally knows what that one baby about two years old can imitate how her mother eats sadah/khaini. The very mother told me that her baby was clever and wise. But I consider that was a wrong pattern shown the mother to her child. This how attitude, values, morale and habits get passed on; particularly true in spiritual matters; ideas of what God is shaped by the parents own, “a parents must strive to be what s/he wants his/her child to become” (Mrs. Ruth Peale).
So what parents do and what they think often influence the children behaviors and judgment. For example, when parents respect one another, and their offspring children tend to respect their parents and each other or if the parents do not eat certain kinds of foods the children will likely not eat either. John Balgug says, “whatever parents gives his children good instruction, and sets at the same time a bad example, may be consider as bringing them food in one hand, and poison in the other.” Thus, parents should strive to give good instruction as well as sets a good example for their children.
Children must also be taught courtesy at home. Courtesy begins for children in ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ s/he must be taught how to pray to God, good manners, obey parents and ask forgiveness for wrong doing. Every parents should remember that characters must be build in the home, day by day, and little by little.
As Christian parents, try to create in the home itself proper contacts for the development of your child a strong selfhood, useful and free. The most vigorous job in the world is being a parent. You have a life on your hands, a growing changing, and unfolding life. The greatest challenge that life can give is yours; with God’s help meet it (Hazen G. Werner, Wise Parental Love).
2.3. Discipline Out Of Love
Child psychologists say the most critical problem of childhood is discipline. The goal of discipline is self-discipline, or to use the biblical term to be holy, ‘perfect’. In more practical terms, it means learning to become a responsible person.
Since the home is the best school for the training and disciplining the child, Paul therefore, encourages parents to discipline the children with wisdom and care (Col 3:21). They are to be disciplined in the best way because “positive discipline becomes a method of guiding the growth of the child in the way of achieving a mature, independent personality… which includes firm, consistent, and kind action.”
Parents must also learn from God how to discipline their children. God disciplines are out of His love. Hebrews 12:2, 10, say “…. the Lord disciplines those He loves, and punishes everyone. He accepts as a son… God disciplines us four good, that we may share in His holiness.” We too must discipline our children with love.
Parents will never have a proper perspective of discipline unless they accept the rod as God’s appointed way of discipline. Proverbs 23:13-14 says “Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die, you shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell.” It is the choice of God’s own wisdom and his fatherly love. When parents themselves are shrinking the responsibility which God gave him they are going out of God’s way.
Most parents make the mistake of using spanking as ‘last resort.’ God did not intend the spanking to be the last line of defense for embattled parents. It is the first action to which parents takes to correct children’s disobedience to the obedience of God. It is the positive correctives means appointed by God to deliver and protect a child from the clutches of his own willfulness (Prov 29: 15-17).
A child when s/he is disciplined with rod s/he no more needs spanking. S/he will be happy, secure and safe under his/her parents divine authority and living in accordance with God’s divine order. But in discipline we must start early, be consistent, be timely, be reasonable; and always affirm our love and reason for discipline afterwards. Most important for the child is self worth.
But discipline of children is painful and unpleasant for some parents. Parents should have an eye not at the present but at the future what the children about the immediate context of discipline are relatively unimportant. What the children think about 15-20 years is more important. Billy Graham rightly comments that “the results of one survey indicated the 75% of the teenagers interviewed would welcome more discipline, that they wanted more discipline.”
A Chinese proverb says “Strict teachers produces good pupil; the cane makes children obedient. Parents believe that they should strike their children since they themselves had been struck by their parents. Guangming Ribao said, that parents did not know enough about proper child-rearing, and cited a teacher as saying: “Blows seriously reduce children’s self confidence, lead to bad habits like lying, and can make children weak, cowardly, and indecisive.” (D.P.A.- Beijing).
We must know that the aim of discipline is not to punish the child to observe certain rules in disciplining children. They are as follows: a. Do not loose your temper b. get all the facts, give the child to an opportunity to explain his/her actions c. Be consistent, otherwise, children will be confused when their parents say, “no” today and “yes” tomorrow d. select the most appropriate form of discipline when a rule has been broken e. Avoid reprimanding in public; do it private f. Be fair-parents needs to explain discipline fairly to all of their children g. discipline should be constructive. All forms of discipline must be based on the foundation of love.
Discipline must not exceed the seriousness of the office; otherwise it creates the feeling in the child that you do not love him/her. Do not use discipline as a way of letting out of frustrations or anger caused by some one or something else. This is the great temptation for teachers in school where the beating of children is still practiced, sometimes very indiscriminately.
Forgiveness is another dimension of discipline. Teach the children to apologize, to repent, to mind what s/he has done wrong, seek and receive your forgiveness. This gives both of you the opportunity to renew your relationship, and gives the child the feeling that you are not irrational or beastly, but that you care for him/her and love him/her.
As discussed above parental discipline should be based on love. But sometimes, parents punish their children and surround child with so many warnings that make frustrated about what to do and what not to do. But parents should also co-operate in disciplining children, so that the child will not be frustrated by being shown or told one thing by his mother and different thing by his father.
But today among the Zou parents, the Biblical direction of disciplining of children is not much aware and practiced. Children are beaten and punished, when s/he did mistake; some parents just uses his/her hand instead of stick. Some parents even kick and spank the important places like face, head and so on. So they need to learn more things in regard to disciplining children. In regard to co-operation in disciplining children if the father or mother side the child she/he will never stop his/her wrong doing. Parents must co-operate and children should know that his/her parents stand in one idea. This is very important for every parents.
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End Notes
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Introduction | Chapter 01 | Chapter 02 | Chapter 03 | Chapter 04 | Chapter 05
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As soon as the excitement of the marriage days are over, the couples are awaiting for another excited and joyous occasion in life and through which they become parents. God’s most precious and valuable gift to a married couple is that God brings the children into the home as a means of God’s blessing. The Bible clearly stated that, children are a heritage from God (Psalms 127:3); and they are to be brought up in the instruction of the Lord (Deut 6; Eph 6; Prov 22:6). God could bring children into the World in an entirely different fashion. He could have caused them to be fully grown and develop into a mature state within few weeks like animal. But usually it takes time for a child to be mature and manageable. This is God – intended because parents have a great responsibility to the progressive promotion of the children’s personality.
The word responsibility implies that it is a Christian doctrine, as Farley named it. This phrase responsible parenthood approximates most closely to the Christian concept of parenthood. It includes all that is good in family planning in Planned Parenthood. It s concept is well defined by John W. Saliq when he said that, “it may be defined as the responsibility of the spouse, of parents to their children, of parents to other families and to society and above all, the responsibility of parents to God.”
The E.A.C.C. Consultation held at Bangkok on Responsible Parenthood confirmed that, “We are concerned for the welfare of families, better provided for, better nurture, better diesoline, and train for our increasingly complex society.” Our primary concern is about the quality of family life rather than quantity.
According to a scholar, Gleun Clark, “Every child comes into the world with sealed order. Therefore, parents are the ones who unseal orders and discover what it is that God means him to be and to do.” The Bible also says, “Train up the child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
The responsibility of parents toward their children seems to be overwhelming, over burden, but through the process of helping nurturing, training and disciplining parents are bringing them up in the society where they could live with the status and dignity. Marcheta Thein said that,
Parenting children is indeed a God-given task for parents to prove themselves responsible to the beautiful world that God has given mankind. Many parents are not aware of the brevity of the period of parenting children. Before the parents realize it, the children outgrow the stage when they form their ideas about the world, people and life at large. So very often just when parents sense the problems parenthood and willing to do something, they found out that it is too late.”
So, early childhood is the proper time to achieve self-esteem. When the cement of my personality is still soft and impressionable if I do not achieve it at the time, if instead of self love – self hatred is imprinted on the cement of my psyche, then once that cement hardens it is extremely difficult to change what has been written.
There is one fine Christian couple gave a testimony of how they began parenting their children at the moment they were united in love and in the act of sexual intercourse. She put her hand into his and they prayed that should their oneness bring a life into their home, that God would bless them and give them, the parents, the wisdom to bring him up. So we can see that parenting begins from the mother womb. Parents must also start prayer for the child while s/he was in her mother’s womb.
Children are the vivid and visible manifestation of the plans and purpose of marriage. So parents should provide the adequate physical needs such as food, shelter, clothing, education and impact them a sense of security or a feeling of trust. This security allows them the freedom for growth and develops without excessive negative feeling of anxiety, worry, and fear. They must also give emotional and spiritual needs so that, they can grow properly both physically and spiritually.
The greatest influence in the lives of children must be their parents. For example, in the Old Testament, Moses even after spending almost 40 years, in a castle which takes away all the attention to the living and true God, he is ready to serve the Lord.
God of Israel primarily due to the influence of his parents on his during his early childhood. The Lord Jesus was another example in the New Testament. It is read that “Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and in favour with God and man (Lk 2:52). It was not because He was God but of His pious and devoted parents Joseph and Mary. The same pattern was also seen in the life of Timothy too.
But today many parents encounter problems with regard to child rearing mainly due to lack of practical guidance and direction in disciplining the children according to the Word of God. Probably all the aspects of child – rearing are not being explained in the Bible. But the basic principle are laid down in the Scripture is a big boost in children’s training. Paul in Ephesians and Colossians letters instruct fathers regarding child discipline. The comprehensive summary of parents’ duty toward children is found in a single sentence. “Do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4).
2.1.1. Do not provoke the children
This is one of the most important and popular statement in connection with the parental relationship to the children. In Greek it is imperative tense (pararnizete), which means a command, a command in order to be obeyed. Even though the command is directly addressed to the fathers, it is indirectly to the mothers as well.
Adams says on this: When Paul speaks to the fathers he is speaking to the mothers. The reason that he addresses the fathers is that what the mother do, the father, he is addressing the one in whom god has vested his authority for discipline. The father is the heard of the home. The father is the one who ultimately must answer to God for what happens in the home.
Provoking does not mean that parents should not do anything that would upset or annoy the children. It does not mean that parents withhold from them something that they desperately needed. It rather means that parents should not treat them in a way that their passions are unnecessarily aroused.
The Amplified Bible translation gives the meaning of the word ‘provoking’ more clearly. “Father, do not irritate and provoke your children to angry, do not exasperate them to resentment.” The cross passage in Col. 3:21 is much more clearer. The New American Standard Bible translates the same word as “Father do not exasperate your children that they may not lose heart.” In short what it means, do not raise the children in such a way that they become utterly frustrated, bitter, hostile, disappointed, distressed, fearful, frightened, rebellious, and resentment. It is clearly means that parents should not handle them in such a way that they will be promoted to live a wrathful kind of living and become angry young men and women who always keeps a grudge against their parents. Many parents are not aware of the various ways through which they provoke their children.
2.1.2. Do not abuse physically
Since the Christian family is divinely instituted and parents are commanded to train their children in love, good life, so there is no place for a brutal attack or physical torturing in a Christian family. But some parents always scold, punish and treat their children worse than animals. Due to all these problems children will grow in bad and worse in their life.
Juvenile studies reveal that the high rate of hostility that emanates from the teenagers is a result of parents lack of love for the children. Certain parents are more cruel and carnal who deny the food to the children and put them in an enclosed room for their wrong doings. They thought that they are disciplining their children, and hope that the children will stop of his/her wrong doing. This kind of illegal and injurious treatment on the children from the parents is inhuman and sinful. Paul’s warning, not to provoke the children, have a direct connotation to the physical assault.
Since this is the time the children develops a negative attitude toward life as a whole and it will further create lasting effect and soon they become rebellious characters. When this kind of inhuman and unchristian discipline happens continuously without love, children will create a vengeful atmosphere at home. Vinoji, Samuel comments that, “the physical torture in no way helps the child, rather destroy his/her growth as a healthy citizen in the society.”
2.1.3. Do not abuse psychologically.
Some parents know physical abuse will damage on child’s future life. But they use stingy words, criticism and hurt their children. Parents destroyed psychologically their children, when they humiliates and put them down and undermines their talents and taste. This kind of psychological set back is often more complex and problematic than the physical punishment. The struggle of a strike may last long as it pains, but a mental humiliation always a picture of it in the child’s innocent mind. In may cases, this kind of psychological abuse leads to more bitterness,, discouragement and depression in children. It has got far more lethal and long range effect in its negative effects.
Parents must praise and encourage their children; so that they can develop their potential and ability in a proper way. But today, the Zou parents often give negative comments such as fool, hopeless, bad boy/girl and so on. Such kinds of hurt words would destroy children growth and they can become meaningless in their life. So psychological abuse will create more harm in children life.
2.1.4. Do not neglect the children
The Bible clearly say that children are heritage from God (Ps. 127:3); and they are to be brought up in the instruction of the Lord (Deut 5; Eph 6:4; Prov 22:6). Jesus warns not to take children lightly (Matt 18:6). Our responsibility as parents is a serious matter. As Christian parents our greatest task is not collect wealth, build mansions or even give them the best education; but to teach them to love the Lord and walk in his ways.
But today most of the parents make a mistake and consider children as secondary citizens and less importance. Children were being neglected many ways in family, church and society. Children are less considered by their parents and spent less time with them. Especially employed parents have less time to care for their children. Parents who are church workers/pastors have become hostile and horrible toward their parents because they have been neglected and treated not other children. Because of these problems today we see that church leaders’ children are not better than lay people.
Thus, it is good if preachers practice what s/he preached. One pastor sadly says that, “I can become good pastor for my people, but I cannot become good pastor in my family.” This is true to every one. Due to such problem our family member especially children could not belief and trust in their parents.
Some parents want their children to attend church and learn like the experience. Yet they will carelessly make unfavorable remarks within the children’s hearing, about the pastor, or the choir, or the deacons or even the programs. They must provide an atmosphere that will be conducive to the growth and development they desire for their children.
Parents must also be a good listeners to the children. They may want to share silly and simple things; so parents must listen properly, so that they can have good communication. It is sad to say that many parents of the Zou people do not give an opportunity for their children to pour out what they have in their hearts; their joy; their grief; their plans for future. Such kind of act does not fit in with the Christian concept of fellowship and loving concern. Moreover, it is common that the children who do not have proper care or attention will simply roam here and there to search security and love. So the home environment should be appropriate for child development both for spiritual and emotional. Parents should show their love to their children by action as well as word or verbal and non-verbal so that they will know parents’ great deep love for them. Without parental love, the child develops a sense of not being accepted, appreciated, loved or lacks a sense of personal worth. Children who do not receive enough parental love or attention in their childhood often suffer mental illness and personality maladjustment in adulthood. So parents need to find more time to spend with their children and let them feel that they are loved and cored. Such kind of good attitude will help the total development of the child.
2.1.5. Do not expect beyond the border
As a beloved parents everybody want their children to be god and excellent in every corner of their life. Since we are living in a scientific age or computer world, everybody wants their children to be good in study. But we must know the four aspects of human being such as: physical, social, mental and spiritual. These are interdependent, and all four aspects need careful nurture for a well-balanced life. We must also know that everybody has not equal and similar talents or ability.
Parents must know their children’s talent and ability for his/her future. So every children must be directed according to hi/her talent and ambition. Vinoji Samuel had met a fifteen years old boy who fled away from home.
Put in his own words: My mother in my childhood had a habit of waking me up even in the midnight and asking me to study. She used to say often, ‘I have one son and daughter. She wants both of us to become doctors. But I know that I cannot become a doctor. When I get less marks in school, she often scold and curse me. I actually hate my mom.
From this very statement we can know that simply high ambition without proper guidance is useless. We must allow our children to select their own way by instructing its advantages and disadvantages. It is unwise to expect the same from every child and meet the age needs that were unmet when they were children. Psychologists deal it the ‘super kid movement’ with parents, desperately trying to push their children towards achieving excellence. What thy do not understand is the fact that no good can come of trying to build too much, too soon.
Some of the common mistake of the Zou parents was that they compare their children and others who are brilliant in study. They also expect their children would be so officer; if not s/he must be farmer or sepoy. They don’t train for carpentry, masonry, cobbler, etc. since all children are not success in their study they don’t have alternative or some what easy job. So they just start cultivating after ten or more than ten years of studies. I personally advised some parents to know his/her child talents. So parents must know all development and growth of their children and guide spiritually and physically.
2.2. The Child and Environment
The home environment has a part in building the life of child. His/her parents, brothers and sisters, grand parents or other relatives are part of his/her environment, their behavior, their words, their needs, their interaction with one another all make up the atmosphere in which the child is growing. And which has an influence on his/her growth: mental, emotional and spiritual. Parenting means helping to create an atmosphere that will be healthy one in which the child may grow. So Dorothy Law Notte pointed out children learn what they live as follows;
If a child lives with criticism he/she learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility s/he learns to fight.
If a child lives with fear s/he learns to be apprehensive.
If a child lives with pity s/he learns to feel sorry for himself or herself.
If a child lives with ridicule s/he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with jealousy s/he learns what envy is.
If a child lives with shame s/he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with encouragement s/he learns to feel confident.
If a child lives with tolerance s/he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with praise s/he learns to be appreciative.
If a child lives with acceptance s/he learns to love.
If a child lives with approval s/he learns to like himself/herself.
If a child lives with recognition s/he learns that it is good to have a goal.
If a child lives with sharing s/he learns about generosity.
If a child lives with security s/he learns to have faith in himself/herself and those about him.
If a child lives with friendliness s/he learns that the world is a nice place to live.
If a child lives with security s/he will live peace of mind.
If a child live with honesty and fairness s/he learns what truth and justice are with what is your child living…?
So what Dorothy Law Notte says are true and correct in regards to child learning process. So every parents must find out their mistakes throughout these statement; and correct himself/herself from their fault.
Children also learn by imitation/observation from their parents. “Expect your child be as you are children do not primarily learn by being told, but by observation” (Walter A. Herrichsen).
More than words, our behavior and others non-verbal messages will influence our children. The writer personally knows what that one baby about two years old can imitate how her mother eats sadah/khaini. The very mother told me that her baby was clever and wise. But I consider that was a wrong pattern shown the mother to her child. This how attitude, values, morale and habits get passed on; particularly true in spiritual matters; ideas of what God is shaped by the parents own, “a parents must strive to be what s/he wants his/her child to become” (Mrs. Ruth Peale).
So what parents do and what they think often influence the children behaviors and judgment. For example, when parents respect one another, and their offspring children tend to respect their parents and each other or if the parents do not eat certain kinds of foods the children will likely not eat either. John Balgug says, “whatever parents gives his children good instruction, and sets at the same time a bad example, may be consider as bringing them food in one hand, and poison in the other.” Thus, parents should strive to give good instruction as well as sets a good example for their children.
Children must also be taught courtesy at home. Courtesy begins for children in ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ s/he must be taught how to pray to God, good manners, obey parents and ask forgiveness for wrong doing. Every parents should remember that characters must be build in the home, day by day, and little by little.
As Christian parents, try to create in the home itself proper contacts for the development of your child a strong selfhood, useful and free. The most vigorous job in the world is being a parent. You have a life on your hands, a growing changing, and unfolding life. The greatest challenge that life can give is yours; with God’s help meet it (Hazen G. Werner, Wise Parental Love).
2.3. Discipline Out Of Love
Child psychologists say the most critical problem of childhood is discipline. The goal of discipline is self-discipline, or to use the biblical term to be holy, ‘perfect’. In more practical terms, it means learning to become a responsible person.
Since the home is the best school for the training and disciplining the child, Paul therefore, encourages parents to discipline the children with wisdom and care (Col 3:21). They are to be disciplined in the best way because “positive discipline becomes a method of guiding the growth of the child in the way of achieving a mature, independent personality… which includes firm, consistent, and kind action.”
Parents must also learn from God how to discipline their children. God disciplines are out of His love. Hebrews 12:2, 10, say “…. the Lord disciplines those He loves, and punishes everyone. He accepts as a son… God disciplines us four good, that we may share in His holiness.” We too must discipline our children with love.
Parents will never have a proper perspective of discipline unless they accept the rod as God’s appointed way of discipline. Proverbs 23:13-14 says “Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die, you shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell.” It is the choice of God’s own wisdom and his fatherly love. When parents themselves are shrinking the responsibility which God gave him they are going out of God’s way.
Most parents make the mistake of using spanking as ‘last resort.’ God did not intend the spanking to be the last line of defense for embattled parents. It is the first action to which parents takes to correct children’s disobedience to the obedience of God. It is the positive correctives means appointed by God to deliver and protect a child from the clutches of his own willfulness (Prov 29: 15-17).
A child when s/he is disciplined with rod s/he no more needs spanking. S/he will be happy, secure and safe under his/her parents divine authority and living in accordance with God’s divine order. But in discipline we must start early, be consistent, be timely, be reasonable; and always affirm our love and reason for discipline afterwards. Most important for the child is self worth.
But discipline of children is painful and unpleasant for some parents. Parents should have an eye not at the present but at the future what the children about the immediate context of discipline are relatively unimportant. What the children think about 15-20 years is more important. Billy Graham rightly comments that “the results of one survey indicated the 75% of the teenagers interviewed would welcome more discipline, that they wanted more discipline.”
A Chinese proverb says “Strict teachers produces good pupil; the cane makes children obedient. Parents believe that they should strike their children since they themselves had been struck by their parents. Guangming Ribao said, that parents did not know enough about proper child-rearing, and cited a teacher as saying: “Blows seriously reduce children’s self confidence, lead to bad habits like lying, and can make children weak, cowardly, and indecisive.” (D.P.A.- Beijing).
We must know that the aim of discipline is not to punish the child to observe certain rules in disciplining children. They are as follows: a. Do not loose your temper b. get all the facts, give the child to an opportunity to explain his/her actions c. Be consistent, otherwise, children will be confused when their parents say, “no” today and “yes” tomorrow d. select the most appropriate form of discipline when a rule has been broken e. Avoid reprimanding in public; do it private f. Be fair-parents needs to explain discipline fairly to all of their children g. discipline should be constructive. All forms of discipline must be based on the foundation of love.
Discipline must not exceed the seriousness of the office; otherwise it creates the feeling in the child that you do not love him/her. Do not use discipline as a way of letting out of frustrations or anger caused by some one or something else. This is the great temptation for teachers in school where the beating of children is still practiced, sometimes very indiscriminately.
Forgiveness is another dimension of discipline. Teach the children to apologize, to repent, to mind what s/he has done wrong, seek and receive your forgiveness. This gives both of you the opportunity to renew your relationship, and gives the child the feeling that you are not irrational or beastly, but that you care for him/her and love him/her.
As discussed above parental discipline should be based on love. But sometimes, parents punish their children and surround child with so many warnings that make frustrated about what to do and what not to do. But parents should also co-operate in disciplining children, so that the child will not be frustrated by being shown or told one thing by his mother and different thing by his father.
But today among the Zou parents, the Biblical direction of disciplining of children is not much aware and practiced. Children are beaten and punished, when s/he did mistake; some parents just uses his/her hand instead of stick. Some parents even kick and spank the important places like face, head and so on. So they need to learn more things in regard to disciplining children. In regard to co-operation in disciplining children if the father or mother side the child she/he will never stop his/her wrong doing. Parents must co-operate and children should know that his/her parents stand in one idea. This is very important for every parents.
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End Notes
Robert, Smith., Why God Gave Children Parents, Peterson (Ed.) Marriage Affair, p. 127.
Quoted by Renphamo E.N, Lotha., Christian Attitude Towards the Concept of Responsible Parenthood With Special Reference to theLotha in Nagaland: An Ethical Evaluation, “Unpublished B.D. Thesis, UTC, 1979, p.6
John W. Sadeq., Family in the Purpose of God: A Miscellany of Essays Relating to Planned Parenthood in India Settings, (Nagpur: The National Christian Council and the Christian Medical Association of India, n.d.), p.34.
The Asian Churches and Responsible Parenthood (Bangkok: E.A.C.C. Consultation, 1964), p. 2.
Quoted by Larry, Christenson., The Christian Family (Minneapolis: Bethany Fellowship, 1970), p.64
Proverbs 22:6
Louise Paw, and Lydia., Family and Church Programs, p.40
Quoted by David, Aye, “Psychological Approach to the Your Problems in Reference to Sumi Youth’s in Nagaland” Unpublished B.D. Thesis, ETC, 1996.
Louise Paw, and Lydia, Family and Church Programs, p. 51.
Vinoji, Samuel., Family, p.86
Gene A. Getz., The Measure of Family (California: G/L Publishers, 1967), p.84
Ephesians 6:4
Jay, Adam., Christian Living in the Home, p.84
Wayne, Mack., The Marriage Relationship, p. 122
Cited by Samuel., Family, p.88
Tim, Lahye., op. cit., p. 139
Gene, A. Getz., op. cit. p. 86
Samuel., Family, p.90
Ibid., p.91
Gene A. Getz., loc. cit., p.66
The Christian Home, op. cit., p. 3
Louise Paw, and Lydia., Family and Church Programs, p. 43
Samuel., Family., p. 94
Gene A. Getz., op.cit., p. 88
The Eastern Clarion, (Jorhat), March 27, 1996, p.4.
Quoted by Grace, Ngaihvung., Introduction to Christian Education (Class note), Grace Bible College, Churachandpur, n. y. p.8.
The Christian Home., op. cit., p. 6
Ibid., p. 6.
New Women, op. cit., p.7
Ibid., p. 7
Hanlu H. Barnette., Introduction to Christian Ethics (Nashville: Broadman Press, n.y.) p. 124.
Samuel., Family., p. 103
Ibid., p. 104
Decision., p. 9
Eastern Clarion, op. cit., p.3
New Women., p. 7
John S. Mbiti., Love and Marriage in Africa, (London: Longman Group Limited, 1974), p.181
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Introduction | Chapter 01 | Chapter 02 | Chapter 03 | Chapter 04 | Chapter 05
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